Sunday, April 4, 2010

What the Hell Does Your Husband Do, Exactly?

How do I get to be a woman of leisure?  It looks pretty kickass from the outside looking in.  It is at least once a week that the question occurs to me, when around other stay-at-home moms, "What the hell does your husband do, exactly?"  Not out loud, of course.  This is an internal dialogging thing.  I'm either doing something right or something very wrong, because these women somehow think I'm playing on their same field.  I don't know why, since I have never once shown up in public in a tennis outfit.  Aren't there locker rooms at the club?  Couldn't you put the outfit on when you get there?  I could run around in my day drinking clothes, but doubt that many people would recognize them since they look pretty much like regular clothes, but with a looser waist, and I have a closet at home in which to change.  I can also conveniently pass out there if need be, which is very convenient.

I didn't know that the beach was a distasteful place until this year.  I then learned from these women that "your car gets all messy!" (this must be said with pursed lips) from that nasty natural sand stuff that lines lakes.  Did you know that this is a horrible thing?  Invention of the vacuum and car wash be damned!  There's a club pool for that swimming nonsense if your children feel compelled to participate!  That is if you have an extra $200 a month burning a hole in your pocket.  I do not, and if I did I'd piss it away on vodka and shoes.  Sorry, ladies.  The beach is free and if I ever hope to have that extra money to spend on booze and slutty heels, I need to be cost conscious.  Priorities!

Most interestingly is that many of these women are vague about exactly what it is their husbands do.  This causes me to believe that either A) they're to stupid or self-absorbed to know, or B) it's something illegal, or C) they're about to be foreclosed upon and are in denial.  Thinking in this narrow way allows me to pretend that I have the upper hand, even when my back seat is loaded with that nasty sand stuff.  Ewwwww!