Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Hockey Moms Created A Whole Different Category of Sucking

So I'm a hockey mom.  I live in MN, so it was pretty much inevitable.  The next person to tell me I'm crazy to have my kid in hockey may get punched in the throat.  It happens so often that I now have a prepared run-on sentence when talking to other parents about the activities in which my sons are engaged.  It goes, "H plays hockey-which-we-signed-him-up-for-because-it's-really-the-only-thing-he's-interested-in" (big breath).  These people fail to realize the self-control I must exercise when they then present what they consider to be acceptable activities as better alternatives.  Like soccer & T-ball.  Really?  A friend with whom I grew up posted a great quote on facebook recently: "It's no secret I don't like soccer.  It's like watching grass grow, but with a bunch of soccer players in the way."-Stephen Colbert.  Exactly.  And T-ball?  More power to you if you like watching your kids make sand castles out of infield grit, but I do not.  It's not as if I invite these people to watch my kid practice.  I'd deserve a shoot down if I uttered the words, "H is a brilliant & talented hockey player.  Do you want to watch his Monday or Wednesday practice next week?"  But this is not what I do.  I don't need anyone there observing just what a deplorable listener my son is, even when he loves what he's doing.  I just thank God I don't have a girl so no one suggests dance lessons.  I don't have enough space to go off on that one.

Anywho, I digress.  So my kid's in hockey, and while he's only five, in MN that means we have 17 camps to choose from in any season, on average.  The first half of summer H is in a twice a week camp that cost...let's just say it wasn't cheap.  Like I could have gotten two new pairs of Hudsons not cheap.  And yet this is what I overhear from one mom to another during the second session: "These drills seem a little advanced for 5-year-olds, don't they?"  Um, so you spent that kind of ching to watch your kid skate in circles?  WTF?  Also, have you noticed that they aren't too advanced for most of the kids?  I'm just sayin' it might not be your kid's age.  It might be the fact that he has you for a mom - totally drew the short genetic straw on that one!

Hockey, for those of you who are living in a cage and incredibly stupid, is played on ice.  That would mean that even if you have a super cute new pair of Vince Camuto strappys, you probably shouldn't wear them to your kid's hockey practice.  This is also true of low-rise jeans with a shirt that isn't pretty long.  Putting on skates requires squatting, so plan ahead.  Also please refrain from saying, "It's cold in here." Really?  That's as interesting as the people who never tire of putting pictures of their car thermometer or the gas pump price on facebook.  We're all living in the same world people.  We know.  Saying it more than once in one ice session should result in an immediate ass kicking.

Here are a few rules all hockey moms should follow to make my life easier:
1) Hockey practice is not a bar.  I don't need to see your cleavage.  Neither does your kid while you're strapping on their skates.  I mean, ew.
2) It is summer, but it's always winter in the arena.  If you want to wear sandals, shut the hell up about your feet being cold.  You're an adult-figure it out.
3) Shut up.  Always.  You're boring.
4) I don't care which kid is your darling boy.  Really.  And if you start the sentence with "See that kid skating really fast?" I not only don't care, but am now rooting for little Augustan to fall on his ass.
5) Don't gasp when a kid checks or hooks.  This is hockey.  It happens.
6) Don't stare at me when I pound on the boards to celebrate (or to shoot my kid a devil stare for screwing off).  Hockey is noisy.  Go back to the yoga studio if you can't handle it.

So I like hockey, I like watching my kid attempt to learn it, but as with everything else in my life, the other parents are ruining it.  Living in a society isn't all it's cracked up to be.

1 comment:

  1. Just when I thought I couldnt love you more...I read this piece of "gloriousness"

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